Did you know that one of the way's one can become Prime Minister of Australia is to have distinctive facial features or bizarre hair configurations. Weird and unruly eyebrows upon a federal minister are a sure sign that the minister is in line for higher honors and will in all likelihood become Prime Minister. Eyebrows will be trumped when and only when there is a fellow party member or an opposition leader with a strange and tortured head of hair. Large ears are... alright and dramatic looking noses are also fine, while warped skulls can be considered in the running for the Lodge. Ugliness in federal politics is an advantage to a long and successful career. One and only one thing the aspiring politician must be is either a political archetype or an Australian archetype to succeed. The Australian archetypes and Australian political archetypes I will delve into with greater deep later in this essay.
So far I have discussed what is needed to become a successful politician, but unfortunately I must admit that I have been gender biased towards the male politicians. I am ashamed and I wish to apologies, but enough of the sniveling. Why have we never had a female Prime Minister and the answer to that is fairly obvious. Women politicians can never achieve the level of ugliness that their male counterparts have made into an art form.
I feel I should clarify what I mean when I use the words ugly and ugliness. The use of ugly and ugliness in regard to politicians is not just about physical ugliness it’s also about that indefinable ugliness of an individual’s personality. An ugliness that can make a person violently sick and yet at the same time it can evoke a disturbing fascination of a transmogrifying nature that engenders mindless worship.
Women politicians on the whole seem to not be capable of evoking this form of ugliness. There have been a few women politicians that have this quality of ugliness, but they are few and far between. The reason is fairly obvious and stone cold logic stabs the handle end of a mace into the thinker. Men dominate the major political party's hierarchies. So ugly women politicians have been discriminated against over the years. Until the ugliness imbalance between the genders is changed so as to create a level playing field we will never see in Australia truly ugly federal women politicians on either side of politics.
Through my years of study and research upon the subject of what makes a successful Australian politician I have developed four profiles. These four profiles are in essence the political archetypal templates of a Prime Minister from both sides of the dwindling political divide. Further, I have developed two extra profiles for what a successful woman Prime Minister must be from both sides of politics. I must state that the two profiles of possible women Prime Ministers are based on a small degree of conjecture with a large degree scientific research. These profiles were constructed with the help of FBI, the Australian Federal Police and the UN Good Governance Bureau. The information that was utilized was of the highest order and my findings were scrutinized by some of the leading experts in this field of study.
There are two archetypal left-wing successful leaders. The first one I will focus upon must be large and very robust with an unwavering self belief: All right I wont spin I mean they have to be big fat bastard with a wit as wide as their pant’s belt and an ego bigger than the great desert. This type of politician will be able to talk about every and any issue one could conceive. Sorry, I’m doing it again, this type of left-wing politician will be able to talk under water with a mouthful of marbles and a head in a block of concrete. This leader will be a bloody know-it-all.
The other type that makes a successful left-wing leader is a politician who is small of stature with the common touch and a working class background and charisma oozing out of every pore in their body. This type of left-wing politician will love to be loved by the public. In other words a mister nice guy, friend to everyone. This left-wing small stature political leader will only succeed if he has a grossly overweight, shifty thug keeping the cabinet in line.
He will also have a preoccupation with grooming his hair.
The successful right-wing Prime Minister comes in two forms. First and foremost both types must have large eyebrows. The first type is often tall and aloof with refined streak of arrogance and droll sense of timing. He believes in equality for all as long as it doesn’t effect the political elite’s and the economic elite’s power base. He often falls foul to what one can only call the Sleeping Beauty Syndrome (SBS). SBS symptoms are as follows, a leader who makes his abode in a mental high castle’s turret that is surrounded by media thorn bushes and political monsters. This archetypal politician will become oblivious of what his own ministers are up and completely ignorant of his political opposition that ultimately results in him receiving the political kiss of death.
The other archetypal right-wing leader is small of stature, mean minded and with a Borgia mentality towards friends and political foes. He passes himself off as being Mister decent, mister plain and above all mister average. The every man who is no man at all. He is the great illusionist, the conman who prays upon peoples faith, and the deceiver who misdirects
Now I will present to you the two profiles of the attributes of what right-wing and left-wing female Prime Ministers must have to become our country’s leader. The right-wing female aspirant must have large hair in the sixties beehive style and a S&M mistress persona with dog collars for all her boys in the cabinet. She will wear the largest pearl necklace known to reality. The only leather one will see on her person will be her handbags. These handbags will have an industrial like quality with the only divergence being the many shades of white her handbags will come in. Behind closed doors with her cabinet her house whip will really be her whip. The ugliness of her personality will engender in men an obscene obeisance and in women she will engender a fear that will cause clumsiness and need to runaway even though there will be nowhere to run too.
Left wing female Prime Minister must be very thin, wear black and that means every stitch of clothing and she cannot under any circumstance wear underwear. A long pointy nose with small rectangular glasses balanced on the bridge. She will have a 1930’s movie Chinese dragon lady character. She will have an army of henchmen/henchwomen who will worship her every word. She will hardly speak because she will have servants do her speaking for her because she will believe it is below her to speak to underlings. She will have at her disposal ancient political monster that she will unleash upon her political opponents; be they from her party or from the opposition. In her world everyone will have their place in her community conscious, non-gender defined, socially aware world. She will engender in people a feeling that their own skin doesn’t fit right and they will become fidgety, and they will feel morally and ethically inferior when in her presence. She will display an ugliness of all knowing understanding.
Funny enough, federal politicians, clowns and comedians are the only vocations where ugliness can open doors to success; at some stage in the future I must investigate the symbiotic relationship that exists between politicians, clowns and comedians. Where as beauty cannot even achieve an aching foot attempting to enter the corridors of mirth, unless of course it involves tabloid media, motel rooms and minister desktops
Now, I must make reference to why some political aspirates have failed to win the highest office in the land cliché spin. Andrew Peacock, William Hayden, John Hewson and Mark Latham all failed to become Prime Minister because none of them fulfilled the criteria of the archetypes for the right or left politics and none of them were Australian archetypes. If only their parties had consulted with me before installing these people as opposition leaders because there would not have been all the tears and recriminations that followed their political failures. I would have made it as plain as a white picket fence that these men should never have been leaders of their respective parties.
Lastly I must make reference to the Australian archetypes that at times can and do become political leaders of either the left or right, although they are rare beasts within the political realm, and they do arise every once and awhile. The Australian archetypes will supersede the political archetypes every time. The political archetypes are firmly gender based whereas the Australian archetypes are non-gender in nature.
There is the Mate who can before one knows it he has enemies suddenly become the best of mates and sitting in a pub shouting each other. The Mate is a force of nature, but he must have the Eternal Larrikin at his side to succeed. The Mate without an Eternal Larrikin will always end up losing his way. The Eternal Larrikin can become Prime Minister, unfortunately, the Eternal Larrikin will eventually wear out his welcome with the public because he often ends up upsetting nearly everyone.
There is the archetypal Bludger who is capable convincing people that he is the one doing all the work when in reality he does nothing and takes credit for others work and ideas. When he is Prime Minister he will have policies that bludge off those that do the real work. The bludger is brilliant at knowing which way the political wind is blowing and covering up his corrupt and incompetent government. When the political environment begins to fall apart the Bludger will do a midnight runner leaving the archetypal Timeless Dud to take the blame. The Timeless Dud often lives and works in the shadow of the Bludger doing all the hard work the Bludger should do. The Timeless Dud secretly hates the Bludger and yet he often deceives himself into believing the Bludger has god like powers which result in him running around doing all the work.
Finally, there is the User who uses everyone to obtain power and to hold onto power. The User only has a long successful career in politics when he has a Crawler at his side. The User eventually hurts everyone physically and mentally in some manner or form and does not care at all. This where the Crawler comes into play. The Crawler lies and massages peoples feeling to a point they believe that the User did what she/he did for their own good. The User just doesn’t give damn and revels in using people and often displays a total contempt for his Crawler and what the crawler does for him.
Eventually of course the Crawler brings about the downfall of the User by crawling to everyone who are in positions of power while undermining the User’s power base. This often results in the Crawler being installed as leader/Prime Minister. The Crawler often crawls his way to power and then crawls his way to failure. The Crawler is once in a generation archetype within the political sphere. The Crawler will crawl to every international leader he or she can corner. Anyone with power will see the Crawler at their side in the blink of an eye. Lastly I must inform one and all about the archetype, the Sheila.
The Sheila is always there and is often the one who cleans up the messes and puts things to rights often caused by either the Eternal Larrikin, the Bludger, the User or the Crawler. The Sheila has never been Prime Minister of Australia, but I believe the day will soon arrive when the Sheila will finally ascend to the Prime Ministership and take up her rightful place along side the other Australian archetypes within the political sphere.
If you are plain looking, what’s new pussy cat handsome or just beautiful don’t consider politics as your life long profession, unless you are willing to disfigure your features in manner that makes you reasonably ugly, but not schlock movie psychopathic ugly, that would be gilding the rosebud too much. If you are not ugly and you have none of the Australian archetypal characteristics or the politic archetypal characteristics I suggest to you to forget about politics and look for a different profession. The other possibility is if one can adapt to sleeping on polished timber and occasionally asking Dorothy Dixs then there is a position in politics for you. Rewarding? Of course not. You, who do not possess those quintessential archetypal characteristics will be in politics to make up the numbers.
No comments:
Post a Comment